My nutritionist said that many of her overweight clients were tired and being tired leads to overeating. I heard that and I nodded, but I didn't really feel it was true until today. I have trouble sleeping. I wake up around 4am each day and so end up at work at 7am cos what's the point in hanging around in bed trying to sleep. I leave work at 3pm by the way. It takes me forever to get started when I am at work and today, I've eating stupidly. A lot of fin crisps with butter and lots of Kale, without butter. I'm tired, I eat. My home is a mess as I don't have the energy to organise myself. So I wait for the weekend to catch up on my sleep at some point, get re-energised and start on the downward spiral towards exhaustion from next Monday.
Life wise - M's smugness and self congratulation is a bit annoying. Nuff said.
Thursday, 4 December 2008
Wednesday, 3 December 2008
3rd December
It's turned into a nice day.
Woke up yet again around 4am. It could well have been 3.30am but I couldn't bring myself to look at the clock. I got out of bed at 5am and had a bath. At work just before 7am. Had soup and bread for breakfast and made lunch, brown rice with mackerel and veggies. Snacked most of the morning on rice crackers. I was so tired and at the time it seemed like the natural thing to do. My energy levels really picked up after lunch. I think it was partly because M was a bit prickly this morning. I felt I'd pissed her off but she came round. She's got a lot on. J was her usual c*** self. S went really loud in the late afternoon. It was a very forced jollity. Odd. Left at 3pm. Picked up my test results from the GP. He hadn't ordered full bloods, the twat. Went to Sainsbury's to buy a few things, eating a small dark chocolate bar, 40g on the way home and then ended up snacking on half a pack of Finn Crisps with butter. Mad cos I wasn't satisfied until I made the tomatoes a la creme concoction that I love. I'll become more aware over time. Ended up taking my sucroguard late in the evening as I forgot to do it this morning. I'll have yogurt and nuts without any honey before going to bed in case the honey is making the sugar dip during the night either more inevitable or more extreme. Want to sleep.
Kept the girls entertained with my birthing wrist rest. I have a gel wrist rest at work and a while ago out of boredom, I put a hole in it but the contents didn't leak out as hoped for because its a jelly like gel substance in there. My attention turned back to the hole when I started thinking about fish in aquarium and wondering if I could push objects into the hole as I would see them through the clear cover. I pulled off a couple of mini pompoms from a card I had in my desk, one green and one red, and forced them into the gel with the end of a flattened out paperclip. The gel wasn't having it and although I could get them in a couple of centimeters, the gel eventually pushed them back out. It was brilliant. the first pompom was covered in a film as it pushed it's way out. The film then peeled back and the two pompoms appeared clean and dry on the surface of the wrist rest, as if they had been newly born. I repeated the trick and kept showing people. L said it takes a certain talent to be that disgusting.
Woke up yet again around 4am. It could well have been 3.30am but I couldn't bring myself to look at the clock. I got out of bed at 5am and had a bath. At work just before 7am. Had soup and bread for breakfast and made lunch, brown rice with mackerel and veggies. Snacked most of the morning on rice crackers. I was so tired and at the time it seemed like the natural thing to do. My energy levels really picked up after lunch. I think it was partly because M was a bit prickly this morning. I felt I'd pissed her off but she came round. She's got a lot on. J was her usual c*** self. S went really loud in the late afternoon. It was a very forced jollity. Odd. Left at 3pm. Picked up my test results from the GP. He hadn't ordered full bloods, the twat. Went to Sainsbury's to buy a few things, eating a small dark chocolate bar, 40g on the way home and then ended up snacking on half a pack of Finn Crisps with butter. Mad cos I wasn't satisfied until I made the tomatoes a la creme concoction that I love. I'll become more aware over time. Ended up taking my sucroguard late in the evening as I forgot to do it this morning. I'll have yogurt and nuts without any honey before going to bed in case the honey is making the sugar dip during the night either more inevitable or more extreme. Want to sleep.
Kept the girls entertained with my birthing wrist rest. I have a gel wrist rest at work and a while ago out of boredom, I put a hole in it but the contents didn't leak out as hoped for because its a jelly like gel substance in there. My attention turned back to the hole when I started thinking about fish in aquarium and wondering if I could push objects into the hole as I would see them through the clear cover. I pulled off a couple of mini pompoms from a card I had in my desk, one green and one red, and forced them into the gel with the end of a flattened out paperclip. The gel wasn't having it and although I could get them in a couple of centimeters, the gel eventually pushed them back out. It was brilliant. the first pompom was covered in a film as it pushed it's way out. The film then peeled back and the two pompoms appeared clean and dry on the surface of the wrist rest, as if they had been newly born. I repeated the trick and kept showing people. L said it takes a certain talent to be that disgusting.
Tuesday, 2 December 2008
Not a great day
A meeting with the arse wipe CEO was shit. Felt really humiliated throughout it. I then had to stay late for a meeting that was a total waste of time to be present at. Almost a twelve hour day. I feel like crying now. Not sure what to do. I feel like throwing the towel in. I'd leave if I could. But I keep coming back to, Don't let the b******* get you down. I won't let the b****** get me down. I get so sick of sucking up the crap from these wanker bosses, just having to wait for it to get better, feeling so trapped, I can't even tell them to go fuck themselves, and that's all I really want to do know.
Monday, 1 December 2008
Things not about food today
My friend was being interviewed today for an internal promotion. There was some unfairness about the process and to cheer her up, I jokingly said I'd try some voodoo (the popular and unauthentic version of it) to put off the competition. At home, I created a Voodoo Potato Man, sticking the contents of the cutlery drawer into it and emailed a photo of it to her. She found it funny. Two candidates withdrew. One of the interviewees had a flat tire. Voodoo Potato Man had worked! Another, quite odious candidate, completely buggered up his presentation and test because of a technical hitch leaving my friend to sail through to the final two. Of course, her success is nothing to do with Voodoo Potato Man, but it did lighten things up a bit.
My line manager came back to work after a few months of sick with stress. My instinct says he's back too soon. But still, sickness isn't a bad thing and being off with stress can be an opportunity. Mental illness is so underated.
My line manager came back to work after a few months of sick with stress. My instinct says he's back too soon. But still, sickness isn't a bad thing and being off with stress can be an opportunity. Mental illness is so underated.
The past week's food has been very creamy and I've been drinking large mugs of creamy fresh coffee. Decided to ease off for a bit. It was my first day off coffee and maybe that's why my head's been aching.
Made a lovely french country soup with basil pistou yesterday. Had some for breakfast with a slice of rye bread from the Village Bakery. No yeast or wheat. It's a sour bread dough, moist and gorgeous. I'd noticed I was getting a lot of bloating and cut out the linseed I usually have for breakfast and wheat based bread, just to be on the safe side, and it seems to have worked. I may reintroduce the linseed in the next few days and see what happens.
For lunch I had a cup of boiled brown rice, grilled mackerel, steamed cabbage, a bit of celery and cucumber. It was virtuous as opposed to nice. I really didn't want the mackerel when I put my lunch together this morning, but by 12.30pm it had become a welcome and tasty meal.
I got out of bed late this morning and that doesn't mean that I had a lie in. I was up at 3.30am and didn't get back to sleep, despite the yogurt and almonds in the evening that are supposed to stop my blood sugar from dipping, which leads to the production of adrenaline, which leads to me waking up. May try a sweet potato. But for tonight, it'll be Valerian. I hate being too tired. End up feeling miserable.
Had the most gorgeous dinner when I eventually got home; three trains were cancelled. I cooked tomatoes a la creme following Edouard De Pomaine's recipe and towards the end I tipped in half a can of haricot beans and a good few cloves of roasted garlic, let that cook for a few minutes before finishing off with cream. Ate with two slices of rye bread. It was the most gorgeous meal. A really heavenly version of beans in tomato sauce. I'll say it again, GORGEOUS. I'm so happy and contented as I write this.
Made a lovely french country soup with basil pistou yesterday. Had some for breakfast with a slice of rye bread from the Village Bakery. No yeast or wheat. It's a sour bread dough, moist and gorgeous. I'd noticed I was getting a lot of bloating and cut out the linseed I usually have for breakfast and wheat based bread, just to be on the safe side, and it seems to have worked. I may reintroduce the linseed in the next few days and see what happens.
For lunch I had a cup of boiled brown rice, grilled mackerel, steamed cabbage, a bit of celery and cucumber. It was virtuous as opposed to nice. I really didn't want the mackerel when I put my lunch together this morning, but by 12.30pm it had become a welcome and tasty meal.
I got out of bed late this morning and that doesn't mean that I had a lie in. I was up at 3.30am and didn't get back to sleep, despite the yogurt and almonds in the evening that are supposed to stop my blood sugar from dipping, which leads to the production of adrenaline, which leads to me waking up. May try a sweet potato. But for tonight, it'll be Valerian. I hate being too tired. End up feeling miserable.
Had the most gorgeous dinner when I eventually got home; three trains were cancelled. I cooked tomatoes a la creme following Edouard De Pomaine's recipe and towards the end I tipped in half a can of haricot beans and a good few cloves of roasted garlic, let that cook for a few minutes before finishing off with cream. Ate with two slices of rye bread. It was the most gorgeous meal. A really heavenly version of beans in tomato sauce. I'll say it again, GORGEOUS. I'm so happy and contented as I write this.
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
The Nutritionist part 2
I've decided to "see" my nutritionist on a fortnightly basis on the telephone.
The issues covered:
Recommendations:
The issues covered:
- Dealing with binge eating
- Getting a better night's sleep.
Recommendations:
- Keep a pocket journal and before I binge, write how I'm feeling. It doesn't have to be war and peace, just one word will do. Today's word would be Frustration. Then eat or not eat afterwards but I'm to try and pause.
- Evening meal should be based on carbohydrates, like sweet potato.
- Develop a bedtime routine. No drinks for 1-1 1/2 hrs before bed. If I snack have some yogurt and almonds. Alternatively milk, or turkey. Have a wind down routine, like reading a book
The Nutritionist
I spent £75 to see a nutritionist last week. We talked in depth about my history of eating, my current lack of energy and so on. Her conclusions weren't startling but it's so good to be able to share the burden with someone else.
We're agreed that losing weight is critical for me. I'm around 18 stone at the moment. My energy levels are all over the place. I can be great one week and then usually for weeks later, I'm low. At work I'm often cold whilst other people are complaining about being hot. When my energy levels are low, I can't exercise much and just struggle to look after myself.
Her recommendations:
Eat oily fish three times a week - off I went to the market at the weekend to buy some mackerel. Holy cow, it was like being in a different world. The sites and smells of the fresh meat and fish markets are overwhelming. I remember being a little girl going with my mother to the markets in Coventry and having the same reaction. I took my time looking at the stalls and trying to find fish with bright, clean eyes, the indicators of freshness. Came home with two gutted and cleaned specimens, heads still one, did a bit of Googling and to my horror found that I needed to get them cooked that same day. Grilled. One was stuff with Thyme.
Eat more dark green leafy vegetables like spinach, chard, cabbage, broccoli. I succeed in a fashion. More work to do.
Eat organic diary. Other organic foodstuffs aren't a priority but dairy is because its richer in omega 3 than the non organic versions and more omega 3 will mean better mood and better energy.
Eat protein with all my main meals. Now I'm fine with the first two meals of the day, but of late, haven't been doing so well with my evening meal. I tend to have mini dishes.
Ditch my rubbish supplements and get Sucoguard, a complex that should help to stabalise my blood sugar levels.
See my GP and ask for tests to check the functioning of my Thyroid. Did today, although the GP was such a twat, I just wanted to cry afterwards. I did a little and then took my frustration out on two packs of biscuits. Fuck. The nutritionist said its difficult for GPs, the have so little time and deal with so many lifestyle issues which are challenging. She knows someone training to be a GP. The tutor asked them when was the best time to bring the conversation with a patient to an end. Answer: as soon as they come through the door.
We're agreed that losing weight is critical for me. I'm around 18 stone at the moment. My energy levels are all over the place. I can be great one week and then usually for weeks later, I'm low. At work I'm often cold whilst other people are complaining about being hot. When my energy levels are low, I can't exercise much and just struggle to look after myself.
Her recommendations:
Eat oily fish three times a week - off I went to the market at the weekend to buy some mackerel. Holy cow, it was like being in a different world. The sites and smells of the fresh meat and fish markets are overwhelming. I remember being a little girl going with my mother to the markets in Coventry and having the same reaction. I took my time looking at the stalls and trying to find fish with bright, clean eyes, the indicators of freshness. Came home with two gutted and cleaned specimens, heads still one, did a bit of Googling and to my horror found that I needed to get them cooked that same day. Grilled. One was stuff with Thyme.
Eat more dark green leafy vegetables like spinach, chard, cabbage, broccoli. I succeed in a fashion. More work to do.
Eat organic diary. Other organic foodstuffs aren't a priority but dairy is because its richer in omega 3 than the non organic versions and more omega 3 will mean better mood and better energy.
Eat protein with all my main meals. Now I'm fine with the first two meals of the day, but of late, haven't been doing so well with my evening meal. I tend to have mini dishes.
Ditch my rubbish supplements and get Sucoguard, a complex that should help to stabalise my blood sugar levels.
See my GP and ask for tests to check the functioning of my Thyroid. Did today, although the GP was such a twat, I just wanted to cry afterwards. I did a little and then took my frustration out on two packs of biscuits. Fuck. The nutritionist said its difficult for GPs, the have so little time and deal with so many lifestyle issues which are challenging. She knows someone training to be a GP. The tutor asked them when was the best time to bring the conversation with a patient to an end. Answer: as soon as they come through the door.
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
It's been a while since my last post because I've been pretty much pissed every day and eating uncontrollably. I finally got my act together yesterday. It was my Mum's birthday and I miss her a lot. She died a while ago but I still miss her and I guess I feel bad about feeling that way.
I've also felt like such a fucking failure. I can't lose weight fast enough or do well enough or be funny enough. The house isn't good enough, the garden isn't good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not friendly enough. And I'm under a lot of pressure at work.
I threw out the scales this morning. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm tired. Tired of myself, my life, the same old struggle with the same issues. Nothing progresses.
I've also felt like such a fucking failure. I can't lose weight fast enough or do well enough or be funny enough. The house isn't good enough, the garden isn't good enough, I'm not pretty enough, I'm not friendly enough. And I'm under a lot of pressure at work.
I threw out the scales this morning. I can't live like this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore.
I'm tired. Tired of myself, my life, the same old struggle with the same issues. Nothing progresses.
Thursday, 26 June 2008
Frustration
I'm feeling so frustrated at the moment because I keep giving in to the urge to binge. I keep falling back on the excuse that I'm tired, that I'm ill, that I'm looking for comfort. So these are the reasons I tell myself that I need to eat. To add to this, my home is in chaos and that leaves me feeling confused. It looks overwhelming to me. I need to break it down and do a bit at a time.
So here I am, starting the day with good intentions but will it last?
I'll be having porridge for breakfast and probably ordering a baked potato for lunch. If I stop late at work maybe that will help me to avoid the bingeing thing. But it is about eating what will satisfy me and I have no idea what that is at the moment. At least the urge to eat chocolate has passed.
It's frustrating and I feel really stuck.
So here I am, starting the day with good intentions but will it last?
I'll be having porridge for breakfast and probably ordering a baked potato for lunch. If I stop late at work maybe that will help me to avoid the bingeing thing. But it is about eating what will satisfy me and I have no idea what that is at the moment. At least the urge to eat chocolate has passed.
It's frustrating and I feel really stuck.
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Getting better
Ate well past my hunger today, bingeing on celery.
Again, I've been ill. My eyes have reacted to something last night, and were weeping and sore. I ate two servings of my usual breakfast and lunch disappeared in 10 minutes. I left work and bought an ate a bread roll on the train then finished off two baked potatoes and two packs of celery. It's not 6pm yet.
I'm starting to calm down. I'm no longer hungry so if I feel like eating later this evening, I'll need to ask myself, what it is that I'm actually hungry for.
On the positive side - had some fun today. I didn't get caught up with colleague being spiteful and was able to laugh off her childishness. So it's been a good day. Summer hasn't arrived, but it is Wimbledon fortnight. I really enjoyed the weather, warm and breezy. Made some progress on a couple of projects. It's been good. Oh and I finished a book someone lent me. I'm so glad to have it out of the way and to be able to read something I really want to read. Actually, I haven't been this up beat in weeks.
Again, I've been ill. My eyes have reacted to something last night, and were weeping and sore. I ate two servings of my usual breakfast and lunch disappeared in 10 minutes. I left work and bought an ate a bread roll on the train then finished off two baked potatoes and two packs of celery. It's not 6pm yet.
I'm starting to calm down. I'm no longer hungry so if I feel like eating later this evening, I'll need to ask myself, what it is that I'm actually hungry for.
On the positive side - had some fun today. I didn't get caught up with colleague being spiteful and was able to laugh off her childishness. So it's been a good day. Summer hasn't arrived, but it is Wimbledon fortnight. I really enjoyed the weather, warm and breezy. Made some progress on a couple of projects. It's been good. Oh and I finished a book someone lent me. I'm so glad to have it out of the way and to be able to read something I really want to read. Actually, I haven't been this up beat in weeks.
Tuesday, 24 June 2008
Preparing for the day
What was positive about yesterday? I didn't binge as badly as I had been doing all last week.
I got a fair amount achieved at work.
I got a good night's sleep.
Today, I've already munched my way through a pack of celery. I've woken up dreading going into work and the people that will be there. What is there to look forward to, I ask myself. Well for start off, I've made a packed lunch for myself. Left over quiche. I've made a decent breakfast of porridge, banana and sultanas. There's plenty to chose from when I get home and I did some toning exercises this morning. Hopefully I'll be able to get in tune with my hunger today and in tune with my anger. I know a load of exercises for dealing with the stress I experience at work and I will go out for lunch. No more sitting at my desk. Get away from them for 30mins G.
I got a fair amount achieved at work.
I got a good night's sleep.
Today, I've already munched my way through a pack of celery. I've woken up dreading going into work and the people that will be there. What is there to look forward to, I ask myself. Well for start off, I've made a packed lunch for myself. Left over quiche. I've made a decent breakfast of porridge, banana and sultanas. There's plenty to chose from when I get home and I did some toning exercises this morning. Hopefully I'll be able to get in tune with my hunger today and in tune with my anger. I know a load of exercises for dealing with the stress I experience at work and I will go out for lunch. No more sitting at my desk. Get away from them for 30mins G.
Monday, 23 June 2008
Feel like a drone
It's been a much better day than of late. Yesterday, although it started well, ended disastrously. I ended up buying two bottles of wine, feeling lonely and pathetic and ugly. I had half an hour to wait for the train home and ended up going into the toilets to have a drink. It tasted disgusting. I somehow found the sense to pour it down the toilet instead of in myself. I didn't want to feel like shit the next day by having two bottles of wine. So when I got home, I slow had the one bottle, a pack of crackers with cheese and celery.
Work wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be although I got into an angry sulk with a girl who froze me out of some gossip. I just thought, fuck you. I won't bother asking in future. She relented but its a stupid situation to be in. I felt childish but then again, I was reacting to a childish snub. I'm getting fed up being around this person. On top of that, I didn't get out work until 6.45pm. Hayes, from downstairs, keeps actioning things on my behalf and telling me afterwards. I'm going to have to be more direct with her if it happens again. I just asked her if she was going to do the paperwork, seeing as she was the one that agreed it.
God, this all seems like a diversion. I've eaten today but I've never felt really hungry, even though I've eaten lightly. I thought I'd binge when I got home this evening but I've been able to limit myself. I hope this is a sign that I'm getting better.
In my heart of hearts I want to fall to the ground and cry. I feel so trapped. Everyday is a repeat of the ones that have gone before. I feel like a drone and not a person.
Work wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be although I got into an angry sulk with a girl who froze me out of some gossip. I just thought, fuck you. I won't bother asking in future. She relented but its a stupid situation to be in. I felt childish but then again, I was reacting to a childish snub. I'm getting fed up being around this person. On top of that, I didn't get out work until 6.45pm. Hayes, from downstairs, keeps actioning things on my behalf and telling me afterwards. I'm going to have to be more direct with her if it happens again. I just asked her if she was going to do the paperwork, seeing as she was the one that agreed it.
God, this all seems like a diversion. I've eaten today but I've never felt really hungry, even though I've eaten lightly. I thought I'd binge when I got home this evening but I've been able to limit myself. I hope this is a sign that I'm getting better.
In my heart of hearts I want to fall to the ground and cry. I feel so trapped. Everyday is a repeat of the ones that have gone before. I feel like a drone and not a person.
Saturday, 21 June 2008
Scales are for fish
Susie recommends getting rid of the scales. Scales are for fish she writes. I can see the sense in that and I have done it before and it was liberating, but I went through a long phase of not losing any weight and when I think back about it, buying the scales again was all about fear.
*****
I got on the scales this morning. I've put on weight. It seems like an awful lot of weight to me but it's only a couple of pounds and considering what I've been eating all week, it's not the end of the world. I got on them about three times to make sure they were right, and the buggers did vary dramatically at one point. I plan to go for a 15 minute brisk walk and on the way I'll pop them in the bin outside the local shops. That way I can concentrate on what I'm eating rather than what I'm weighing. I'm still a member of the on-line diet club. I'll live optimistically and log a 1lb weight loss each week for the rest of the summer.*****
After the last week's difficulties, I feel like I can start over but I'm a bit nervous about my ability to do so. I'm thinking, "What if I fail again? What if I'm so weak willed, I can't get through a day of eating well and with my hunger? What if I'll get bored? What if I get frustrated? What am I going to do all day if I don't eat?"
Why is it so fearful?
It's a fear of failure and a fear of not making the mark. A fear of not getting it right.
Breathe.
Friday, 20 June 2008
Why I'm eating when I'm not hungry
I have struggled so much this week. Much of it was about being sick and another key element that I realise today is being brought down by a colleague at work.
I left work today feeling depressed and very low energy. I ended up buying food. And lots of it. I was sick of feeling unwell and sick of my colleague's behaviour. When I got home, I knew my weekend was going to be dominated by ill will towards this person and that depressed me further. Then I remembered an exercise. The way I do it is to imagine myself as a little girl, about 4 years old and a toy train comes rolling into the room. I then talk to my 4 year old self and ask her to put the silly things on the train. "Let's put that silly woman Jaki on the train and all the silly things from work." And once that's done, I send the train away, to the end of the universe and with it goes a load off my shoulders. When I did that, I stopped feeling sick. The change in myself is amazing. I'm now really looking forward to my weekend, to exercising tomorrow and to getting back on track with my eating. I haven't forgotten the problem with the colleague but it's not getting me down, though it is amazing the effect a person can have on me. I need to work out how to deal with her negativity as it is poisonous. What I'll do is keep a track of it all week in writing so that I have something specific to work with and then consider it again.
I left work today feeling depressed and very low energy. I ended up buying food. And lots of it. I was sick of feeling unwell and sick of my colleague's behaviour. When I got home, I knew my weekend was going to be dominated by ill will towards this person and that depressed me further. Then I remembered an exercise. The way I do it is to imagine myself as a little girl, about 4 years old and a toy train comes rolling into the room. I then talk to my 4 year old self and ask her to put the silly things on the train. "Let's put that silly woman Jaki on the train and all the silly things from work." And once that's done, I send the train away, to the end of the universe and with it goes a load off my shoulders. When I did that, I stopped feeling sick. The change in myself is amazing. I'm now really looking forward to my weekend, to exercising tomorrow and to getting back on track with my eating. I haven't forgotten the problem with the colleague but it's not getting me down, though it is amazing the effect a person can have on me. I need to work out how to deal with her negativity as it is poisonous. What I'll do is keep a track of it all week in writing so that I have something specific to work with and then consider it again.
Wednesday, 18 June 2008
Still ill
I finding this bug I've got difficult to shift and I think I'm feeling depressed as a result and I can't feel my hunger at all. On top of that I'm struggling with a relationship at work. I'm struggling with work. It's weird being around people who never complain about anything and it's weird being round people who do nothing but bitch and moan about other people. I dread going into work.
All this anxiety is going to be behind my eating when I'm not hungry. It's taking me away from myself. So what is the answer.
I've been away from the computer thinking about this and my conclusion is to just get over myself and play the game, cos that's all it is, a game. I spend too much time trying to be morally right and just digging a pit for myself and avoiding what is really bugging me - they may be slagging me off. I can't control that. Judging them as bad for doing it only creates anxiety in me and down the spiral I go. Right then, I'm off to research office games.
All this anxiety is going to be behind my eating when I'm not hungry. It's taking me away from myself. So what is the answer.
I've been away from the computer thinking about this and my conclusion is to just get over myself and play the game, cos that's all it is, a game. I spend too much time trying to be morally right and just digging a pit for myself and avoiding what is really bugging me - they may be slagging me off. I can't control that. Judging them as bad for doing it only creates anxiety in me and down the spiral I go. Right then, I'm off to research office games.
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
Interruption
I've been pretty ill the past few days and the plan to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, has gone out of the window some what. Although I still feel quite ropey today, I think I stand a better chance of listening to my hunger, but to be honest, my main preoccupation is to just make it through the working day.
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Taste and chocolate and celery
It was a long day at work. The food I ate during the day really sustained me so that although I didn't get home until really late, I wasn't ravenously hungry. I ended up being able to make the right choices, but I shovelled the food down my throat despite really trying to slow down. I certainly didn't taste every mouthful today.
I experimented with eating a couple a small chocolate bars. I had one yesterday and the other this evening. I can't say I enjoyed it. And I can't say I felt satisfied eating the chocolate. I ate the second bar to bid rid of it. Now I allow myself to think about it, I would prefer to have chocolate ice cream if I want chocolate in future. Hmm. Chocolate ice cream is the thing.
I binge on celery. I haven't done so this week. It's been getting easier not to think about it. Orbach says that a craving for a particularly food is often about a chemical push towards that food rather than a true desire for it. I was hooked on celery! That's soo me.
*****
*****
I binge on celery. I haven't done so this week. It's been getting easier not to think about it. Orbach says that a craving for a particularly food is often about a chemical push towards that food rather than a true desire for it. I was hooked on celery! That's soo me.
Wednesday, 11 June 2008
First things first
Orbach argues that if we eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full, our body naturally maintains itself at the weight that is right for us. This is our personal set point. Eating too much or too little slows our metabolism down.
Our body sends us signals about when to eat, what to eat, how to eat and when to do.
To chose to eat this way will mean an end to diets, binges and denying yourself of food you really want to eat.
Our body sends us signals about when to eat, what to eat, how to eat and when to do.
To chose to eat this way will mean an end to diets, binges and denying yourself of food you really want to eat.
*******
I've heard this before, most memorably in the book called "I can make you thin" by Paul McKenna. Did it work? Did it hell! So why is that I'm finding the process, initially at least, easier to follow with Orbach? Partly, as I person I'm kinder to myself and I've chosen a book that reflects that. Also, my feeling is that the McKenna approach is just too much pressure and psychologically, illogical. Just the title speaks volumes. McKenna can't make me thin. It's a sales technique. The title entices because it takes responsibility away. It's another miracle cure for being overweight, but the reality is somewhat different. And of course when the miracle doesn't materialise, the sense of failure and of being a failure which must be so familiar to people trying to lose weight or change their behaviours, returns.
I'm feeling hungry now, so I'm off to eat.
Waiting to eat
I'm at home waiting to feel hungry. I'm so used to getting in through the door, heading straight for the kitchen and making something to eat. To sit here without doing that is odd and I'm slightly resentful of the fact that I ate a small banana when I was feeling genuinely hungry waiting for the train home because now I'm wonder when do I get to eat again?
Tuesday, 10 June 2008
I have been listening to a podcast by a Gestalt therapist, Kevin McCann, on and off for about 9 months. It's called "Developing a personal relationship with food" and can be downloaded from an Irish website called Bodywhys. In it McCann poses a series of questions designed to make us think about how and why we do what we do around food. He mentions, in passing Susie Orbach. Now, I'm familiar with the title of her most well known book, "Fat is a feminist issue." but I would never buy it because, I'm not a "feminist" and it sounded like a text book. So it surprised me that it was in fact an anti-diet book. But I still wasn't going to buy it because, I'm not a "feminist".
I used to call myself an alcoholic. I used to call myself a compulsive overeater. I used to call myself a co-dependent (a phrase McCann referred to as psychobabble which made me question why I was in so many 12 step groups) and then I decided by inner child was the issue and I went into therapy last year. I then I fell off the wagon. Quit the therapy and the 12 step groups. Got back on the wagon and went to a Beyond Chocolate seminar, then followed that up with a More to Life weekend after which I promptly fell off the wagon once more and really ended up with a sore arse. I started seeing a counsellor based at a local community service specialising in helping people with problem drinking. After a few false starts, in April I came to the "stunning" realisation that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I have problems but I'm not a bad person or a wrong person. Suddenly I had found the key to set myself free. Everything had led me to the point where I could think rationally and put down the drink and address my issues around food. So I joined an online diet club.
This action may seem kind of crazy but it helped me create a structure for myself around food and exercise. At the same time I was seeing every fortnight or so, a wonder black African woman counsellor. My mother was African. I felt heard for the first time in my life and the changes were miraculous.
I'm doing ok on the diet. I decide to lift the ban on sugar. No food is bad. I go easy on the exercise. I try to avoid dishing out advice on the community's boards. I accept that I like to weight myself every day initially and then calmly reduce that frequency. I enjoy my life. It's a struggle sometimes, the desire to binge, the obsession, but it is no way as bad as it used to be, but I can't begin to think about eating what I want, when I want. Or to try eating when I'm hungry and to stop when I'm full. It's the ideal but God it feels so alien.
On Sunday, I decide to listen to McCann's podcast again and find out more about Susie Orbach. With the day off yesterday, I travelled to the nearest Waterstone's bookshop that carried a book called "On Eating". It's a tiny thing and I need help from a member of staff to find it, tucked away between the diet books. It's been on the shelf so long, the edges have discoloured. There is a lot of white space on the pages. The text is fairly large in a friendly font. It's easy to skim through, so I decide to buy it.
I read it on the train journey to my hometown. Nearing the station, I realise I'm hungry and decide to use the techniques it describes to figure out what it is that I really want. I want ice-cream. Skinny Cow. No. I want real ice-cream. So I get off the train, and head for an Italian deli. I have two scoops of ice-cream and a cup of coffee. Fantastic. And I'm satisfied. Truly satisfied. And I'm happy.
It's another short train journey to the suburb in which I live. I carry on reading the book, and this time I'm thinking about what I've been really hungry for when I have not been hungry for food. I see a pudgy baby's arm reaching out for a mother that's not there. And I remember all the times she's not been there. I remember many occasions when I've felt rejected and abandoned. And the times when I've not felt good enough to even leave the house or to be seen by people. And I remember those times when I was a very little girl of eating to make myself feel a bit better and get rid of that pain. Of course I cry and feel like crap.
How does this help? I've forgiven my mum for whatever I felt she did wrong. She did her best and it was a tough life for her too. All the women on my mother's side of the family have had very hard lives. To know that I was rejected and abandoned allows me to understand that it was not because I am this evil, rotten person that no one can love and when I do feel that way, it's just my old way of thinking about myself. It isn't true. Now I have a real choice about how I deal with my old feelings. And perhaps now I can deal with them without resorting to food.
I used to call myself an alcoholic. I used to call myself a compulsive overeater. I used to call myself a co-dependent (a phrase McCann referred to as psychobabble which made me question why I was in so many 12 step groups) and then I decided by inner child was the issue and I went into therapy last year. I then I fell off the wagon. Quit the therapy and the 12 step groups. Got back on the wagon and went to a Beyond Chocolate seminar, then followed that up with a More to Life weekend after which I promptly fell off the wagon once more and really ended up with a sore arse. I started seeing a counsellor based at a local community service specialising in helping people with problem drinking. After a few false starts, in April I came to the "stunning" realisation that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I have problems but I'm not a bad person or a wrong person. Suddenly I had found the key to set myself free. Everything had led me to the point where I could think rationally and put down the drink and address my issues around food. So I joined an online diet club.
This action may seem kind of crazy but it helped me create a structure for myself around food and exercise. At the same time I was seeing every fortnight or so, a wonder black African woman counsellor. My mother was African. I felt heard for the first time in my life and the changes were miraculous.
I'm doing ok on the diet. I decide to lift the ban on sugar. No food is bad. I go easy on the exercise. I try to avoid dishing out advice on the community's boards. I accept that I like to weight myself every day initially and then calmly reduce that frequency. I enjoy my life. It's a struggle sometimes, the desire to binge, the obsession, but it is no way as bad as it used to be, but I can't begin to think about eating what I want, when I want. Or to try eating when I'm hungry and to stop when I'm full. It's the ideal but God it feels so alien.
On Sunday, I decide to listen to McCann's podcast again and find out more about Susie Orbach. With the day off yesterday, I travelled to the nearest Waterstone's bookshop that carried a book called "On Eating". It's a tiny thing and I need help from a member of staff to find it, tucked away between the diet books. It's been on the shelf so long, the edges have discoloured. There is a lot of white space on the pages. The text is fairly large in a friendly font. It's easy to skim through, so I decide to buy it.
I read it on the train journey to my hometown. Nearing the station, I realise I'm hungry and decide to use the techniques it describes to figure out what it is that I really want. I want ice-cream. Skinny Cow. No. I want real ice-cream. So I get off the train, and head for an Italian deli. I have two scoops of ice-cream and a cup of coffee. Fantastic. And I'm satisfied. Truly satisfied. And I'm happy.
It's another short train journey to the suburb in which I live. I carry on reading the book, and this time I'm thinking about what I've been really hungry for when I have not been hungry for food. I see a pudgy baby's arm reaching out for a mother that's not there. And I remember all the times she's not been there. I remember many occasions when I've felt rejected and abandoned. And the times when I've not felt good enough to even leave the house or to be seen by people. And I remember those times when I was a very little girl of eating to make myself feel a bit better and get rid of that pain. Of course I cry and feel like crap.
How does this help? I've forgiven my mum for whatever I felt she did wrong. She did her best and it was a tough life for her too. All the women on my mother's side of the family have had very hard lives. To know that I was rejected and abandoned allows me to understand that it was not because I am this evil, rotten person that no one can love and when I do feel that way, it's just my old way of thinking about myself. It isn't true. Now I have a real choice about how I deal with my old feelings. And perhaps now I can deal with them without resorting to food.
Beginnings
I've kept journals for a while now but I have a tendency to misplace them, start up in another note book and so on. A blog suits me. I'm not so interested in sharing with the world, nor do I think I've got anything that may interest anyone. This record is purely for me.
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