Frustration

I'm feeling so frustrated at the moment because I keep giving in to the urge to binge. I keep falling back on the excuse that I'm tired, that I'm ill, that I'm looking for comfort. So these are the reasons I tell myself that I need to eat. To add to this, my home is in chaos and that leaves me feeling confused. It looks overwhelming to me. I need to break it down and do a bit at a time.

So here I am, starting the day with good intentions but will it last?

I'll be having porridge for breakfast and probably ordering a baked potato for lunch. If I stop late at work maybe that will help me to avoid the bingeing thing. But it is about eating what will satisfy me and I have no idea what that is at the moment. At least the urge to eat chocolate has passed.

It's frustrating and I feel really stuck.

Getting better

Ate well past my hunger today, bingeing on celery.

Again, I've been ill. My eyes have reacted to something last night, and were weeping and sore. I ate two servings of my usual breakfast and lunch disappeared in 10 minutes. I left work and bought an ate a bread roll on the train then finished off two baked potatoes and two packs of celery. It's not 6pm yet.

I'm starting to calm down. I'm no longer hungry so if I feel like eating later this evening, I'll need to ask myself, what it is that I'm actually hungry for.

On the positive side - had some fun today. I didn't get caught up with colleague being spiteful and was able to laugh off her childishness. So it's been a good day. Summer hasn't arrived, but it is Wimbledon fortnight. I really enjoyed the weather, warm and breezy. Made some progress on a couple of projects. It's been good. Oh and I finished a book someone lent me. I'm so glad to have it out of the way and to be able to read something I really want to read. Actually, I haven't been this up beat in weeks.

Preparing for the day

What was positive about yesterday? I didn't binge as badly as I had been doing all last week.
I got a fair amount achieved at work.
I got a good night's sleep.

Today, I've already munched my way through a pack of celery. I've woken up dreading going into work and the people that will be there. What is there to look forward to, I ask myself. Well for start off, I've made a packed lunch for myself. Left over quiche. I've made a decent breakfast of porridge, banana and sultanas. There's plenty to chose from when I get home and I did some toning exercises this morning. Hopefully I'll be able to get in tune with my hunger today and in tune with my anger. I know a load of exercises for dealing with the stress I experience at work and I will go out for lunch. No more sitting at my desk. Get away from them for 30mins G.

Something to do

Take photos of the food that I like to eat.

Feel like a drone

It's been a much better day than of late. Yesterday, although it started well, ended disastrously. I ended up buying two bottles of wine, feeling lonely and pathetic and ugly. I had half an hour to wait for the train home and ended up going into the toilets to have a drink. It tasted disgusting. I somehow found the sense to pour it down the toilet instead of in myself. I didn't want to feel like shit the next day by having two bottles of wine. So when I got home, I slow had the one bottle, a pack of crackers with cheese and celery.

Work wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be although I got into an angry sulk with a girl who froze me out of some gossip. I just thought, fuck you. I won't bother asking in future. She relented but its a stupid situation to be in. I felt childish but then again, I was reacting to a childish snub. I'm getting fed up being around this person. On top of that, I didn't get out work until 6.45pm. Hayes, from downstairs, keeps actioning things on my behalf and telling me afterwards. I'm going to have to be more direct with her if it happens again. I just asked her if she was going to do the paperwork, seeing as she was the one that agreed it.

God, this all seems like a diversion. I've eaten today but I've never felt really hungry, even though I've eaten lightly. I thought I'd binge when I got home this evening but I've been able to limit myself. I hope this is a sign that I'm getting better.

In my heart of hearts I want to fall to the ground and cry. I feel so trapped. Everyday is a repeat of the ones that have gone before. I feel like a drone and not a person.

Scales are for fish

Susie recommends getting rid of the scales. Scales are for fish she writes. I can see the sense in that and I have done it before and it was liberating, but I went through a long phase of not losing any weight and when I think back about it, buying the scales again was all about fear.

*****

I got on the scales this morning. I've put on weight. It seems like an awful lot of weight to me but it's only a couple of pounds and considering what I've been eating all week, it's not the end of the world. I got on them about three times to make sure they were right, and the buggers did vary dramatically at one point. I plan to go for a 15 minute brisk walk and on the way I'll pop them in the bin outside the local shops. That way I can concentrate on what I'm eating rather than what I'm weighing. I'm still a member of the on-line diet club. I'll live optimistically and log a 1lb weight loss each week for the rest of the summer.

*****

After the last week's difficulties, I feel like I can start over but I'm a bit nervous about my ability to do so. I'm thinking, "What if I fail again? What if I'm so weak willed, I can't get through a day of eating well and with my hunger? What if I'll get bored? What if I get frustrated? What am I going to do all day if I don't eat?"

Why is it so fearful?

It's a fear of failure and a fear of not making the mark. A fear of not getting it right.

Breathe.

Why I'm eating when I'm not hungry

I have struggled so much this week. Much of it was about being sick and another key element that I realise today is being brought down by a colleague at work.

I left work today feeling depressed and very low energy. I ended up buying food. And lots of it. I was sick of feeling unwell and sick of my colleague's behaviour. When I got home, I knew my weekend was going to be dominated by ill will towards this person and that depressed me further. Then I remembered an exercise. The way I do it is to imagine myself as a little girl, about 4 years old and a toy train comes rolling into the room. I then talk to my 4 year old self and ask her to put the silly things on the train. "Let's put that silly woman Jaki on the train and all the silly things from work." And once that's done, I send the train away, to the end of the universe and with it goes a load off my shoulders. When I did that, I stopped feeling sick. The change in myself is amazing. I'm now really looking forward to my weekend, to exercising tomorrow and to getting back on track with my eating. I haven't forgotten the problem with the colleague but it's not getting me down, though it is amazing the effect a person can have on me. I need to work out how to deal with her negativity as it is poisonous. What I'll do is keep a track of it all week in writing so that I have something specific to work with and then consider it again.

Still ill

I finding this bug I've got difficult to shift and I think I'm feeling depressed as a result and I can't feel my hunger at all. On top of that I'm struggling with a relationship at work. I'm struggling with work. It's weird being around people who never complain about anything and it's weird being round people who do nothing but bitch and moan about other people. I dread going into work.

All this anxiety is going to be behind my eating when I'm not hungry. It's taking me away from myself. So what is the answer.

I've been away from the computer thinking about this and my conclusion is to just get over myself and play the game, cos that's all it is, a game. I spend too much time trying to be morally right and just digging a pit for myself and avoiding what is really bugging me - they may be slagging me off. I can't control that. Judging them as bad for doing it only creates anxiety in me and down the spiral I go. Right then, I'm off to research office games.

Interruption

I've been pretty ill the past few days and the plan to eat when I'm hungry, stop when I'm full, has gone out of the window some what. Although I still feel quite ropey today, I think I stand a better chance of listening to my hunger, but to be honest, my main preoccupation is to just make it through the working day.

Taste and chocolate and celery

It was a long day at work. The food I ate during the day really sustained me so that although I didn't get home until really late, I wasn't ravenously hungry. I ended up being able to make the right choices, but I shovelled the food down my throat despite really trying to slow down. I certainly didn't taste every mouthful today.

*****

I experimented with eating a couple a small chocolate bars. I had one yesterday and the other this evening. I can't say I enjoyed it. And I can't say I felt satisfied eating the chocolate. I ate the second bar to bid rid of it. Now I allow myself to think about it, I would prefer to have chocolate ice cream if I want chocolate in future. Hmm. Chocolate ice cream is the thing.

*****

I binge on celery. I haven't done so this week. It's been getting easier not to think about it. Orbach says that a craving for a particularly food is often about a chemical push towards that food rather than a true desire for it. I was hooked on celery! That's soo me.

First things first

Orbach argues that if we eat when we are hungry and stop when we are full, our body naturally maintains itself at the weight that is right for us. This is our personal set point. Eating too much or too little slows our metabolism down.

Our body sends us signals about when to eat, what to eat, how to eat and when to do.

To chose to eat this way will mean an end to diets, binges and denying yourself of food you really want to eat.

*******

I've heard this before, most memorably in the book called "I can make you thin" by Paul McKenna. Did it work? Did it hell! So why is that I'm finding the process, initially at least, easier to follow with Orbach? Partly, as I person I'm kinder to myself and I've chosen a book that reflects that. Also, my feeling is that the McKenna approach is just too much pressure and psychologically, illogical. Just the title speaks volumes. McKenna can't make me thin. It's a sales technique. The title entices because it takes responsibility away. It's another miracle cure for being overweight, but the reality is somewhat different. And of course when the miracle doesn't materialise, the sense of failure and of being a failure which must be so familiar to people trying to lose weight or change their behaviours, returns.

I'm feeling hungry now, so I'm off to eat.

Waiting to eat

I'm at home waiting to feel hungry. I'm so used to getting in through the door, heading straight for the kitchen and making something to eat. To sit here without doing that is odd and I'm slightly resentful of the fact that I ate a small banana when I was feeling genuinely hungry waiting for the train home because now I'm wonder when do I get to eat again?

I have been listening to a podcast by a Gestalt therapist, Kevin McCann, on and off for about 9 months. It's called "Developing a personal relationship with food" and can be downloaded from an Irish website called Bodywhys. In it McCann poses a series of questions designed to make us think about how and why we do what we do around food. He mentions, in passing Susie Orbach. Now, I'm familiar with the title of her most well known book, "Fat is a feminist issue." but I would never buy it because, I'm not a "feminist" and it sounded like a text book. So it surprised me that it was in fact an anti-diet book. But I still wasn't going to buy it because, I'm not a "feminist".

I used to call myself an alcoholic. I used to call myself a compulsive overeater. I used to call myself a co-dependent (a phrase McCann referred to as psychobabble which made me question why I was in so many 12 step groups) and then I decided by inner child was the issue and I went into therapy last year. I then I fell off the wagon. Quit the therapy and the 12 step groups. Got back on the wagon and went to a Beyond Chocolate seminar, then followed that up with a More to Life weekend after which I promptly fell off the wagon once more and really ended up with a sore arse. I started seeing a counsellor based at a local community service specialising in helping people with problem drinking. After a few false starts, in April I came to the "stunning" realisation that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with me. I have problems but I'm not a bad person or a wrong person. Suddenly I had found the key to set myself free. Everything had led me to the point where I could think rationally and put down the drink and address my issues around food. So I joined an online diet club.

This action may seem kind of crazy but it helped me create a structure for myself around food and exercise. At the same time I was seeing every fortnight or so, a wonder black African woman counsellor. My mother was African. I felt heard for the first time in my life and the changes were miraculous.

I'm doing ok on the diet. I decide to lift the ban on sugar. No food is bad. I go easy on the exercise. I try to avoid dishing out advice on the community's boards. I accept that I like to weight myself every day initially and then calmly reduce that frequency. I enjoy my life. It's a struggle sometimes, the desire to binge, the obsession, but it is no way as bad as it used to be, but I can't begin to think about eating what I want, when I want. Or to try eating when I'm hungry and to stop when I'm full. It's the ideal but God it feels so alien.

On Sunday, I decide to listen to McCann's podcast again and find out more about Susie Orbach. With the day off yesterday, I travelled to the nearest Waterstone's bookshop that carried a book called "On Eating". It's a tiny thing and I need help from a member of staff to find it, tucked away between the diet books. It's been on the shelf so long, the edges have discoloured. There is a lot of white space on the pages. The text is fairly large in a friendly font. It's easy to skim through, so I decide to buy it.

I read it on the train journey to my hometown. Nearing the station, I realise I'm hungry and decide to use the techniques it describes to figure out what it is that I really want. I want ice-cream. Skinny Cow. No. I want real ice-cream. So I get off the train, and head for an Italian deli. I have two scoops of ice-cream and a cup of coffee. Fantastic. And I'm satisfied. Truly satisfied. And I'm happy.

It's another short train journey to the suburb in which I live. I carry on reading the book, and this time I'm thinking about what I've been really hungry for when I have not been hungry for food. I see a pudgy baby's arm reaching out for a mother that's not there. And I remember all the times she's not been there. I remember many occasions when I've felt rejected and abandoned. And the times when I've not felt good enough to even leave the house or to be seen by people. And I remember those times when I was a very little girl of eating to make myself feel a bit better and get rid of that pain. Of course I cry and feel like crap.

How does this help? I've forgiven my mum for whatever I felt she did wrong. She did her best and it was a tough life for her too. All the women on my mother's side of the family have had very hard lives. To know that I was rejected and abandoned allows me to understand that it was not because I am this evil, rotten person that no one can love and when I do feel that way, it's just my old way of thinking about myself. It isn't true. Now I have a real choice about how I deal with my old feelings. And perhaps now I can deal with them without resorting to food.

Beginnings

I've kept journals for a while now but I have a tendency to misplace them, start up in another note book and so on. A blog suits me. I'm not so interested in sharing with the world, nor do I think I've got anything that may interest anyone. This record is purely for me.