Feel like a drone

It's been a much better day than of late. Yesterday, although it started well, ended disastrously. I ended up buying two bottles of wine, feeling lonely and pathetic and ugly. I had half an hour to wait for the train home and ended up going into the toilets to have a drink. It tasted disgusting. I somehow found the sense to pour it down the toilet instead of in myself. I didn't want to feel like shit the next day by having two bottles of wine. So when I got home, I slow had the one bottle, a pack of crackers with cheese and celery.

Work wasn't as scary as I thought it was going to be although I got into an angry sulk with a girl who froze me out of some gossip. I just thought, fuck you. I won't bother asking in future. She relented but its a stupid situation to be in. I felt childish but then again, I was reacting to a childish snub. I'm getting fed up being around this person. On top of that, I didn't get out work until 6.45pm. Hayes, from downstairs, keeps actioning things on my behalf and telling me afterwards. I'm going to have to be more direct with her if it happens again. I just asked her if she was going to do the paperwork, seeing as she was the one that agreed it.

God, this all seems like a diversion. I've eaten today but I've never felt really hungry, even though I've eaten lightly. I thought I'd binge when I got home this evening but I've been able to limit myself. I hope this is a sign that I'm getting better.

In my heart of hearts I want to fall to the ground and cry. I feel so trapped. Everyday is a repeat of the ones that have gone before. I feel like a drone and not a person.